Today I feel miserable. I'm in my room, I look around and all I see are 100,000 books on economics, sociology, finance and a hundred million other pieces of rubbish. Inside, I want to cry, but I can't. Everything has lost its meaning... I look back to a year ago when any new topic I could explore brought me joy and excitement. I would spend weeks on a topic and explore it in every way possible. Now I look at this bloody website, at what I've written, and I hate it all.
I don't know why I'm writing this, because I'm going to publish it so that anyone can read it and say what a stupid, depressed Gianmarco you are. I don't care, I'm doing it anyway. Without rereading what I've written, without changing anything.
Yesterday I saw the woman I love again. We hadn't seen each other for a year and the only thing after breaking up with her was the thought of being able to see her just one more time. I prayed several times, please God, just one more time. I almost didn't remember what she looked like, but when I saw her, those 12 months seemed like only 12 seconds.
It was the biggest mistake of my life. In an instant, I lost everything I had regained after entering the vortex. In one evening, I am back to square one.
I wonder, why her? What is so special about her that she changed my way of seeing the world? I don't know, I can't give an answer, but perhaps when such deep parts of our brain are involved, an answer cannot even be put into words.
And now I'm here, back where I was a year ago, miserable and nothing makes sense anymore. I think back to her and I see two worlds so far apart. I see a person so distant from my world that she has no idea of the turmoil inside me. God has given me the gift of being able to read people, or at least I think I can. What I do know is that for her it was just another evening, seeing a friend and forgetting about it the next morning. For me, however, it's hell all over again.
I don't know what God is, but somehow he has tried to protect me several times, even though I didn't want to listen. I couldn't resist, and I knew it would turn out this way. I knew I would see her again, I just needed to feel better, to think that she wouldn't have the same effect on me as she did a year ago. Deep down, I already knew how it would end. And now I'm back here, miserable.
But I've found the desire to write, something I haven't done in months.